“You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all;
You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall;
You always break the kindest heart, with a hasty word you can’t recall;
So if I broke your heart last night, it’s because I love you most of all.”
– The Mills Brothers
To me it seems quite simple to understand why if I didn’t love another person I may break their heart without any regret, without the faintest piece of guilt – when we do not love someone who loves us, it is easy to hurt them. However, the above song refers to hurting the one we do love. How can you both hurt and love the exact same person?
When I have found myself in a position where I have had nothing whatsoever of value to lose, I have seldom if ever at all experienced disappointment. Conversely when I’ve been in love, when I have cared for someone greatly, which involved my happiness and many of my most precious experiences, there was then a great deal to lose. Hence, disappointment and frustration, and consequently a hurt bordering on physical pain, were the feelings I received when it ended.
I am not by nature a wary type of person and this combined with emotional overtones I believe makes me more vulnerable in ways that enhance the possibility of anguish. I open myself up to the greatest pain of all that of potential heartbreak and through the years haven’t learnt from my mistakes.
If I recall I seem to always have been on the receiving end of heartbreak never the one who made the break. I don’t mean by that I am perfect and the other was at fault but I am always totally honest and totally focussed on trying to make things work – maybe my issue is that I am too much so.
I guess when I believe the chips are down it could be overwhelming to those who do not recognise how much of ‘myself’ I open up, how my expectations and sheer stubbornness and will to try to work through the problems may prove unmanageable and in the end there is only ever one loser in that case. It may be I get so blinkered that I ignore what it being said to me and bullishly fight away only serving to make things worse. I am a victim of my own passion.
I do not set out to court angst but when I think of my life I can reflect that I would always prefer for it to have appeared that I tried my best and end up (at least from my viewpoint) being treated harshly than to let the relationship just drift away and be treated with complete indifference because I for one gave up to easily – there is nothing worse than not knowing the truth, nothing worse than feeling ignored, nothing worse than just giving up on something you treasure so much.
Jose Ortega y Gasset says that the person in love “prefers the anguish which their beloved causes them to painless indifference.” Similarly, the saying goes that “it is better to break someone’s heart than to do nothing with it”. Concerning those who are near and dear, psychologists report we do generally prefer anger to indifference – we would much rather they disliked us than ignored us.
If those statements are true then it’s rather ironic to know then that the people that have treated me the worst, the ones in my life who have hurt me more than I probably ever deserved even if they never set out with the intention to do so, have only done so because they love me – now where’s the sense in that ?