“It’s not the fall that hurts, it’s when you hit the ground” – The Ceasars
I think maybe more-so than ever as I’ve got older, I’ve tended to hold onto things too tightly…maybe through insecurity, maybe selfishly because of the intense meaning they have to me, an intensity that I didn’t need when I was younger, maybe just because as I’ve got older I’ve realised there now isn’t necessary a replacement waiting in the wings to take up the hole losing whatever it is leaves behind, be it a job, a friend or something else.
Sometimes this ‘obsession’ (if you wish to term it that) for my total reluctance to give up on the meaningful things is a good thing but sometimes maybe it isn’t.
There’s a line in the film Top Gun that says “I’m holding on too tight, I’ve lost the edge” about a pilot quitting because he knows he is failing and he is scared to carry on. For him a reluctance to give up would have caused even more problems.
Unlike ‘Cougar’ in the film, actually starting to lose something, starting to fail isn’t a concern as such for me. I know it may be a warning but I am with most things very optimistic (at least at first) – I don’t believe I’m a bad person, I always do things with the best intentions in mind and therefore whatever wrong I have done surely I can rescue it. My mentality is that there was a reason it worked before so why can’t that be true again – the rules of engagement may change but the failure can be ultimately prevented.
And rescue it I try…and often to my own detriment I don’t just go half-hearted into the rescue mission I go full guns blazing – after all if you are going to crash and burn you may as well do it having tried your best to prevent it otherwise it wasn’t important enough to fight to rescue in the first place.
But sometimes no matter how hard I fight the other party doesn’t want to know, sometimes even though I give my heart and soul into making it work out someone or something else prevents it. I find I give and give and give until there’s nothing left.
And those times, when it doesn’t work out, when I do fall – whilst the falling itself can hurt – what hurts me most of all is when I can’t fight anymore, all my energy has left me and what hurts most really is the anguish felt when I hit the ground.