Shopping with a ninja

Kunoichi - Japanese for Female Ninja

I find it really difficult going shopping with my wife, I know it’s not just me as other husbands have the same problem with theirs.

Don’t get me wrong I love her company but it’s the lack of that once we enter a supermarket that I get so frustrated at particularly when I am requested to go with her. Things rarely start off well, the first thing she does is take charge of the trolley – I’m sure I am better at driving them than she but I don’t get many opportunities to prove it.

Trolley acquisition process over,  it continues slightly better…well until we arrive at the first aisle nominally in most places we visit the fresh produce aisle. I am tasked to grab the piece of vegetable or fruit that is right at the back of the shelf – being tall does have its benefits I guess.

The reason for this is exactly the same reason I always move the stuff from the front out of the way and settle instead for the goods lurking at the back because they generally (I always double check) have an expiry date far in excess of the stuff more prominent. This goes for canned as well as fresh food. Of course there is a great reason that supermarkets do this as otherwise tons extra of stuff would potentially have to be disposed of as its sell by date expired prior to purchase thus effecting their profitability. But I don’t care too much about their profitability, more so I don’t want to have to gorge my way through the shopping in a couple of days before it goes rancid and would rather leisurely eat the stuff in my own timescales.

So having reached out for the onion, courgette or European grade Banana (yes the EU even categorises the ‘straightness’ that Bananas have to be before being retailed) I turn around to place the aforementioned item in the trolley but…

..it’s gone along with my wife.

Now there is something called ‘Selection’ that all would be members of the SAS go through which has an element called ‘Escape and Evasion’. They are tasked with evading capture by a team of Parachute Regiment guys who get a prize of additional leave if they don’t.

My wife could teach them all a lesson.

Within the 20 seconds it has taken me to reach out, grab the fruit and make the movement towards dropping it in the trolley she has vanished from sight. Like the shopping ninja she is she sneaks away without a sound – even the squeaky wheels of the average shopping trolley do not hinder her evasive manoeuvres – maybe amongst everything else there’s a small can of oil in her handbag specifically for the purpose of silencing her escape ?

So for the next quarter of an hour or so I wander aimlessly up and down aisles in an attempt to find her – on my trek I do see other people of course – weary men just like I on their own personal search.

It has been known that sometimes I even resort to texting or calling her mobile because quite frankly supermarkets can be lonely places and I on occasions through the trauma of the long search start to lose the will to live.

In the majority of cases eventually we meet up, normally she sneaks up on me where I least expect it, from a direction I would have never have guessed, normally from a point in the store we had already been to. At which point I nearly always get asked by my personal Ninja “where have you been ?”

“Aaaaargh !” – the pent up frustration takes some holding back I can tell you.

I put it down to the differences between men and women (and yes I know I am generalising) but men tend to be logical and methodical…we go up and down each aisle in turn collecting the goods as we proceed whereas women do things differently.

I believe women shop using Brownian Motion Theory – they bumble randomly around bouncing from one area back to another often visiting the same area many times over. The fact they can do this silently, effortlessly and without even the merest hint of concept of wasted time is even more disconcerting to the male of the species.

Perhaps it is this chaos, this randomised motion that makes her so elusive, perhaps that is why like most women my wife is such a good shopping Ninja.

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About Rob

If you want to know more about what goes on in the chemical soup that I call a brain then have a trawl through my blog where my life to a degree is unveiled. Enjoy my life - I'm trying to. Rob
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9 Responses to Shopping with a ninja

  1. You and my husband must be kindred spirits. He just refuses to come shopping with me. It is better in the long run really …. we both remain relatively happy. We practice togetherness elsewhere!

    • Rob says:

      Great news to read your comment – a bit like Mulder in the X-Files I now have confirmation rather than just a belief that I am not alone !
      I also would if I was wearing one take my hat off to him… I have yet to dare to say ‘no’ I still sheepishly venture out whenever requested to knowing deep down the trauma that is to come. Think Im too afraid of the ninja reprisal if I did !

      • LOL, trust me after 15 years ( maybe more – he is the one who keeps track ) I think the no becomes even more necessary. She too will learn in time it is less painful for all… I have two boys aged 8 and 11 who mostly take after their dad in this regard. I guess it was give up trying or die. And no Rob, you are not alone, many are just not brave enough to share lest they feel the wrath…

      • Rob says:

        I’m over 16 years down the line and as for my son, he can’t take after me at all as I can’t even remember when he last helped with the shopping chore. All this means is either I’m a very slow learner, a lost cause or indeed completely and utterly masochistic. Alternatively of course there is always the I’m afraid version alluded to earlier, although that really does sound as if my wife’s a husband beater and I’m a bit of a wimp 🙂

      • shows me not to pre judge a situation. Kudos to you I say, you are a stronger man than I. I just scream, stay at home then, and disappear for several hours….It could be a nice factor about your personality, you might just like spending the time with your wife 🙂

      • Rob says:

        I do (I seem to remember those words from somewhere else) like spending time with her – we have lots of laughs (aside from in supermarkets !). Don’t get me wrong I’m far from perfect but I think she also enjoys my company. I believe that is why she always forgives me for the times ‘that I occasionally get lost in the shops’, something I apparently do which she never fails to remind me of 🙂

  2. This does not sound pleasant. We very rarely go food shopping together – not a bonding experience.

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