In my life I have seen several things that hover. I have seen Dragonflies hover, Butterflies hover, Hummingbirds hover, I’ve even seen a Helicopter hover and not forgetting my trip on the SRN4 across to France where I experienced hovering myself (although only about 10 feet above the waves).
In fact the only thing I’ve ever come across that doesn’t hover when it should is the one thing I bought specifically with that function in mind.
We don’t have the largest of gardens but it does seem to contain a lot of grass. Now the problem with grass is that it grows and when it grows you need to cut it.
There were many choices I could have made but I plumped for the option that in my mind as an engineer made the most sense. Rather than have to manhandle a normal lawnmower around the garden how much simpler would it be if it floated on a cushion of air that only took the slightest of input to have it skating off in the direction you wanted the grass cut. Thus a Flymo was the ‘perfect’ solution to my woes.
Or so the theory went…
I read the manual (yes even as a man I proverbially stepped outside the box and did the unforgivable thing – I read the instructions). I followed the instructions to the letter ensuring that as the first cut of the season I didn’t have the blades set too low, nor was the grass too wet, nor was there the likelihood of electrocution by cutting through the cable.
I started the mower and realised straightaway I should reach for the phone and contact the Advertising Standards Authority.
My Flymo didn’t….
What it did do was Dig-mo, instantly sucking itself down to the floor in a manner a catfish does to an aquarium wall. It then proceeded to not cut the grass but actually scalp it…Geronimo himself would have been proud of it’s action.
It then randomly decided to unleash its ‘floating action’ and alternately scoot off a few feet before the machine once again turned itself into a tunnelling machine and made its way down through the topsoil.
But this was not the worst thing because at Flymo, the Health and Safety monkeys had obviously stamped their foot down (well they would have done if that wasn’t potential dangerous so guess they just wrote a memo). The blades that are supposed to cut the grass are made from a plastic material – now there are hard plastics and soft plastics. But scared of Health and Safety ramifications, Flymo have invented a third type… it is a degradable plastic. But instead of degrading over time due to chemical input it degrades the moment it touches anything with a more resilient format than grass. So the first time one of these blades met a stalk of a Dandelion plant catastrophe happened.
Part of one of the blades disappeared into thin air, the resultant imbalance caused by this made the Flymo make a very loud grinding sound and I quickly let go of the deadman’s handle and the mower ground to a halt.
I had mowed precisely 5 square feet before needing to repair the problem (when I say mowed the grass it wasn’t in the strictest sense of the word ‘mowed’ as it wasn’t very even nor was it very pretty – resembling the Somme more than the local bowling green, in fact had I personally ham-fistedly grasped chunks of sod and dragged them out of the ground I couldn’t have done a worse job).
I should have listed to Qualcast when they said “it’s a lot less bovver than a hover” and bought a rotary machine instead…but have had issues with them in the past as well.
Anybody know where I can buy some sheep ?