Now you may feel from the title that this post is a cry for help from me pointing towards suicidal tendencies. Well to disappoint any looking for that type of post, it isn’t.
I believe I’m one who you’d class as an emotional person – there I’ve said it. No going back now as it will be floating round the internet for ever. A lot of the time I hide them – sometimes to my detriment too well, but sometimes, possibly at the very time my emotions actually need to stay hidden they spill out with often dramatic consequences. More often than not they are the negative emotions, I get to a point where I’ve bottled stuff up for so long it my emotions get released like the operation of a valve on a pressure cooker – it’s either that or go insane with angst.
Love, anger, joy, sadness…can’t remember an emotion I haven’t in my time experienced and released.
So to choose just one to ramble about is difficult, but as there’s one I’m feeling right now it may as well be this one. Here goes…
There are many things that make me feel emotional and unfortunately more often than not over the last twelve months or so the emotional feeling has been one wave of continuous great sadness that has only had brief interludes of joy.
Amongst other things, firstly my father passed away, then my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Whilst ground zero of the emotional feeling is due to my reaction to these actual real circumstances this bout of sadness has at other times been re-awakened just a result of reading a certain passage in a book or hearing an actor deliver a line in a film that triggered the feeling making me think (possibly too deeply) about events in my life that have caused me to feel sad.
“…Time to die” is one of these very lines.
One of my favourite films ever is Bladerunner, which I watched the ending of last night; and it is from this film the line is taken. In the film are characters called ‘Replicants’, genetically engineered organic robots. In the film Rutger Hauer plays one called Roy. The replicants seen in the film appear to care for each other in the opposite way to the human characters who completely lack any form of empathy and appear very self-centred. Roy at the very end of his life realises that despite seeing and doing things others could have only dreamed of he will no longer be able to share those moments and they will be lost..”like tears…in rain. Time to die”.
My sadness manifests itself as a mixture of intense feelings : from time to time these present themselves in different ways; it’s as if I care for others when it appears others don’t for me, that I have things to share but feel nobody wants to listen, that I can be surrounded by people and yet still feel isolated, that those who matter to me choose to not make time for me and are no longer around – it’s as if I am a replicant living in a human world.
I know this may not be true but this doesn’t stop the feeling. The sadness can be quite overwhelming as it reminds me that my moments, like the people I care most about, have and will continue to be lost to me like tears in the rain and no matter how hard I try there’s not a thing I can do about it. The sadness is here right now. It’s not yet raining but the tears are already forming in my eyes in readiness…